Two months into this six month project, I feel it is time to note what I am learning.
I am learning to be a productive writer, in spite of the winds of my ego. I wish everyday to have an answer, but I write in spite of almost never having anything that feels whatsoever like an answer.
Brigid loves this. She loves the steel this is building in me, the belief in the power of my own word. I say “I will do this” and it is so. It reminds me of my first reading of The Spiral Dance when I was 23 years old. Starhawk said that a witch’s word is sacred, because foundation of magic is knowing that when I say “It will be so,” I can believe it. A part of me recognized that wisdom, knew it as a magic mirror.
I am learning that there are waves here, waves of fear and peace and calm knowing and focus on silly shit. I am learning that I will persevere in spite of the waves, and because of them.
I am learning that drinking does not help me write.
I am learning that motherhood is kicking my ass, carving me out and deepening me and also leaving me gasping and anxious.
I am learning that I have been focused on how to get through this – moment, task, day, relationship—for a while now. The back injury reduced me to moment by moment being. Or enlarged me to that kind of being… unless I am binge-watching Netflix.
I am learning that I am not enlarged by Netflix.
I keep coming back to something Ravyn said on our call about the Initiation path we are teaching at CAWC in June. She said that some people turn back from the thresholds... There are more than one.
I have crossed several already: divorce. Coming out as a witch. But I feel there is another before me, and I am not moving towards it by watching old episodes of the West Wing. ( There are six seasons, people.)
I am at a dangerous point. I am getting better. I no longer have pain to keep me from returning to the habits I know.
I look at my writing and it has become small, lately. Capable of noting the daily trials, but not connected to the larger journey…
“But still writing,” Brigid says. “Yes, Lady,” I say.
She also said, back on February 2, three things: Tell the truth, Be strong, Carry the light.
I have learned a lot already about telling the truth, letting that measurement triumph over the shrill voice of the critic. And about becoming strong, from the inside out….
But to carry the light… I think I know what this means. It has to do with The Great Turning, with Systems Theory, with the wisdom of the divine feminine… and centipedes, and “How Wolves Change Rivers” and… I don’t know how to carry this yet.
I think this is a new crossroads, and yet one I’ve been at many times before. How do I live my daily life and yet be part of building the new world? How do I parent my child and speak for the wild, buy groceries and create a worship worthy of the trees? (I have a six year old. I have to rhyme, sometimes J)
Many times before, here, I have turned back. I have said “I have to do the job I already know, the job I can be paid for… “
But I have also been here and stepped forward, with the Heroes Narrative Project, and teaching Witch Camp, and writing this blog.
I am at this crossroads, again.
There is something I am not seeing.
What is it?