Acer let me back in yesterday! It happened again today. I'm not sure what happened, but I think it's because I found my way out of the romance bubble.
My sweetheart reads this. Note to him: I am NOT saying that I don't want romance.
But there's something about the perfect rainbows and unicorns that start a relationship that makes me want to stay perfect, that makes me want to slowly slide into a pretend Ella. I know how to do her. I can do her so well. She is an amazing listener, but she doesn't have much to say.
Which is not me at all.
Writing a piece about things that I'm not allowed to say helped me break it. And I knew it had happened when I saw him on Thursday night. When we were making out on my living room floor, before our friends came over to play cards. We were talking about love and good things… How connected we are to each other. He said to me "This doesn't feel like a temporary thing." Then he looked at me “Do you know what I mean?” He looked in my face “No?”
“It feels deep," I said. "Like an ocean of rock underneath us.”
He nodded. “You said something like that before."
“Yes. And when I feel freaked out, that helps me to be brave, say what I need…”
He nodded again. “I don’t feel freaked out,” he said. “Even when we have conversations that are… vulnerable, I feel so calm.”
“I know you do. I love that,” I said. “It helps,” I said. “
He looked at me, waiting. He is patient like that.
I took a breath and then I told him, “After my divorce, I decided I would never again make a commitment based on time. I want to be with you as long as you meet my needs and I meet yours. And I will try my best to ask for what I need and give you what you need.” Whoo. Hard to look up after that. But I did.
And he just kept looking at me with those yellow wolf eyes. “Wow,” he said. “Okay," he said. But then all night, he was still there. Still deep and calm and mine.
That was the moment. Or maybe A moment… maybe the lovely nature of romance is that we get to create it and roll around in it and enjoy it and get real and then get romantic again, which makes the romance all the sweeter. All the better.
Or maybe that's just me...
Tonight, we met James and some other pals at a bar in Georgetown, and he and James pronounced each other awesome, each separately, to me. And he and I found a couch in a corner and made out and talked with our foreheads close to each other, like you do. And, all my brave words to the contrary, I suddenly had a feeling, a looking back feeling.
What it would feel like to have been together for a long time…
It might be partly because of this cool, romantic video I saw of this engaged couple, who took part in an experiment. They were each aged in leaps of 20 years by teams of make-up artists. First, here’s what you will look like in your 50’s, then 70’s, then 90’s…
It’s impossibly sweet, sick almost, but still worth watching.
It elicits that old myth, about a love like a good farmhouse, big enough and solid enough and improved enough by time that you become ever more at home there, ever more beautifully in your place.
Also I watched Shakespeare in Love today. Twice! I was doing a lot of laundry. So it could be that.
But I don’t feel lost, or faking it. Or lying to preserve a bubble. That threat was rising a little. It’s gone again.
Could it be that's why Acer is letting me back in? Seems like a weird thing for a tree to care about – I don’t mean weird in an insulting way, though. Just saying that I don’t get that. But it's the only thing I can think of that fits the timing.. I don't know. I'm willing to not know. So much of what i've learned from animals and trees and their magic is based on sensing their their clear and present energy, even when my own knowledge fails…
Anyway, yesterday when I walked past Acer, I could feel it. The invitation. I was surprised by it, kinda got ambushed by it, actually.
I had to check a couple of times. "Really?!?" I went to a different place, leaned on a different trunk… and was filled in a different way, a different part of my body was strengthened...closer to my base, deeper in my left hip. Yes, I'll take that, thank you.
And this afternoon, when I walked down to the creek, I could feel the invitation all the way from the top of the meadow. I went in and all I had to do was receive. Just let it be. Sing it. Beatles and beetles, birds and bees, bark and sap and breeze.
I'm so happy, I feel so good to be close to what is real. Letting it be.