I didn’t post yesterday. Instead, I drank an entire bottle of red wine by myself at Jamie’s house, then passed out.
I’m not sure what came over me. I also went down to the basement of her house to confront her future ex-husband for being hostile to me. This is a man who I’ve always quite liked, but who also said that he thought I was responsible for their divorce because I “have loose morals and practice witchcraft,” which in most moods I would call a win. But in this case I mostly chalk that up to the fact that divorce is painful.
Also, I think I might have talked to a six year old girl about the importance of Betty Friedan, for fuck’s sake.
It was a night like that.
Plus, I’ve been having these savage dreams lately. Like, I dreamed that I was gnawing the muscles off my dog’s shoulder. All the way down to the bone, I was actually devouring the red muscle and scraping the white bone with my teeth and I looked up and his little face was watching me.
WTF? What is happening to me?
I mean, I like my red blends, but last night I was drinking it so fast. Definitely to stop some back pain, but other than that… ? It’s true that sometimes, at the end of a solo parenting weekend I am a quivering mass, but even then I stop at 3 most of the time.
But, really we had such a loving, beautiful weekend. It wasn’t that.
I am confused.
I am confused about a lot right now.
I’ve always had work to turn to. Some cause that I could point myself at. But right now, my only cause is myself, to rescue my body from it’s habits and customs of pain, which requires so much stillness. So much stopping of the whirling and twirling of my mind, which is like Baba Yaga’s house. It dances upon chicken legs. It has a snout with sharp teeth as a door knob. It is fenced by bones and skulls.
Inside is the wild hag, the fierce wise woman. Past all that flesh and savagery and spinning.
My counselor Susan asked me how I felt in the dream. This is the question when you are interpreting a dream, I’ve read. The way to read this map from beyond: draw it in feelings.
“Hungry,” I said. “Ravenous. And then horrified.”
What is happening to me?