Goddess, it is scary to want something again. And also awesome.
This is the price of coming back to life, I guess. Part of the power of descent comes from surrender, from letting go of everything that I thought I needed to survive.
“…when we are talking about the underworld, nearly everything is excess, including possessions, relationships, activities, status and just about anything else that isn’t pure being.”
So says Jane Meredith in her wonderful book “Journey to the Dark Goddess.” She says eventually you have to learn to let everything go.
To begin with, I let go in a pretty white knuckled kind of a way.
But eventually as the darkness went on, I learned to let my fingers become nerveless and drop from me, one by one, having the answer, being pretty, knowing what to do, being safe, being likable, telling pretty lies for a living.
Now I’m coming back! Me and Acer!! My new boyfriend, the Big Leaf Maple!
Also, I kissed a man last night.
And now I remember what it’s like to want something, to not surrender but to reach and hope and desire and wonder… Will he see me? Still like me? Will I see him? Still like him as I see more? This man, who right this moment, seems to me to be magic.
I tell my friend Jamie about him and she says “It’s seems like it was written.”
Isn’t she just the right person to talk to about this? Because yes, that is how it seems.
Jamie also says “Love is so true!! And so totally false.”
Yes, that too. I know him deeply and I hardly know him at all. It is scary, vulnerable.
I want to wallow in it but I know it is at least part illusion, now. And I want to keep my balance more.
Acer seems to be on the same page. This morning when I went to visit Him (He gets a capital because He is part of the Green God and I’m showing respect while also calling Him my boyfriend. Okay?)
This morning when I went to visit Acer, I stopped at the drip line of his canopy and waited to be invited in. I grounded, through the stardust that runs around in your body the morning after a night of kissing, and then I heard Him say “Come on in. And give me that.”
So I did. It took a while, to get settled down enough, I had to really focus on growing my roots. Sunshine laid down on my feet, so that helped. It also helped that I was standing in the middle. Big Leaf Maples are multitrunked trees and Acer has a spot where I can lean my head back against one mossy trunk and be utterly surrounded by Him. It’s like loving a big man. The biggest…
Anyway, I finally was able to get past my own sexy static and let the sap flow up through me and offer Him my love and remember myself and be again. Just be.
Okay, there was just one other thing that I did, which really helped a lot.
I kissed the tree. There. Now I have done it, I have enacted the cliché. But lips feel so much! And mine were still glowing with the feeling of stubble, smooth, stubble...
I’ve never grounded through my lips before, but I must say, I highly recommend it.