I’ve been feeling like such a badass at work lately.
Helping! Connecting! Breakthroughs! I’m a badass!
Today was not that. Today was me going into a meeting with a colleague and our clients and expecting a really great outcome and it not going the way we wanted to at all and afterward me swinging wildly between What did I do wrong?!? AndIt’s okay, you can’t control everything. And What did I do wrong?!?
Like that.
That swinging wildly thing though. That’s what I resolved that I wanted a better handle on since the incident. (You know. The Incident.) I decided that instead of being prey to my fears, I would rewire my brain to know my own ground, to have a still place where I rest. Where there is more clarity and less swinging. I decided to do a gratitude meditation series. Starting NOW! Ten days in a row! Boom baby!
Day one was gratitude for one aspect of the city I live in. (I picked the trees)
Day two was gratitude for one aspect of my home. (I picked my butter yellow, garden viewing living room.)
Then job. Finances. Childhood. You know. Easy stuff like that.
For some reason I took a couple days off.
But today, I had an hour to kill before I had to pick up my son and I really wanted to go into that bar nearby where the bartender with the cute dreds gives me a porter without me even asking, which makes me feel all welcome and important.. I wanted to go in there and have a pint and think about What did I do wrong? And It’s okay... And…
Instead I got into my car and listened to Day 8 of the Gratitude Series. I am partly telling you this because I want you to be impressed with me and how healthy and what a paragon of virtue I am. Look at my shit.
But mostly it’s because of what happened next: Day 8 was gratitude for your family day. Pick one person. So I picked my son. Pick one thing about him. So I picked one of his superpowers- he is so deep and so insightful and also has a way with words. He says things that just pierce me to the core. I am amazed that I get to know him and hear him forming his world, himself. So, I sat there in my car and watched my breath and felt grateful for his insights and imagination and ability to say shit. Then I took a little car nap. (That is one of my superpowers. I can power nap almost anywhere.)
Then I called my sweetheart and told him a little about my hard day and he said the exact right thing that balanced knowing me and saying wise things and making me feel like I’m loved in spite of not getting it perfect every time.
Then I went and got my son and we drove to the burrito place we like and as I parked the car he said “Mom, you know what day it is?”
“Um. Monday?” I said.
“No.”
“What day is it?” I said.
“It’s Mom-is-awesome-day,” he said.
“Aw. Thank you honey. That is so sweet.”
“Nah,” he said. “That’s just me being me.
Uh-huh.
And then, after the burrito, as we were driving away, “Mom, I have a song I want to share with you. Its about a kid who needs a friend and also about a popular kid who is dating a girl. At the same time.”
“Okay, wow.”
“He is singing it to the mom of the girl he is dating. The girl’s name is Deva.”
“Okay. Got it”
“It goes like this: Your Deva’s dating meeee..” He warbles it twice.
“Do you get it,” he asks? “It also means You’re devas-tating me.”
Fuck. He is nine.
What have I done wrong?... I can’t control everything. I have a car filled with this boy and the smell of a great burrito being mowed down between lyrics and I have totally forgotten my woes in the rush of gratitude. When we get home, the cherry blossoms have covered the path to my front door with petals.